It started off as a very innocent Saturday morning. I never imagined I would be starting three new friendships that same day. But when I accidentally sequenced the wrong channel numbers into the television remote and landed on a children’s cartoon broadcast by mistake, my personal space was abruptly invaded by a back-to-back-to-back barrage of TV commercials, with a spine-chilling announcer hawking three very odd games to give to someone this upcoming Christmas. I nearly spilled my root beer float soda all over my box of frosted donut holes as I stared in disbelief. Here’s a playback of what I encountered … meet my new belly buddies Gus, Pig and Pete:
“Gassy Gus is the hilarious game that’s a BLAST for all ages! Feed Gus all sorts of gaseous food – from Broccoli to Baked Beans. With each tasty dish, players pump up Gus and watch his bulging belly grow bigger and bigger! Watch out for the big blast of “gas”! You never know when Gus will have a blow-out and give you a Blast Gas Penalty! Be the first to feed Gus all your food cards and win!”
“POP! the Pig. Feed the pig and watch him get bigger until … POP! Roll the die and pick the right color burger. Press the pig’s head down each time you feed him. Watch his belly get bigger, bigger, bigger! But if his belt explodes, you lose!”
“Pig Out Pete! The game you’ll gag over! Stop Pete from eating too much food before he throws up. Step #1: Take the gunk out of the container. Step #2: Mix some of the colored food with the gunk. Step #3: Put the rest of the colored food inside Pete. Step #4: Activate Pete (requires 2 “AA” batteries, not included), watch him walk around making funny noises. Step #5: GAK! Watch out when Pete eats too much! Step #6: When Pete throws up, collect the matching food in the green gunk.”
I suspect even the greatest of gross game inventors occasionally displays a conscience and needs to get a restful night’s sleep away from the monstrosities created. Because, to whoever invented Pig Out Pete, all is forgiven, with this parting printed message, in very tiny colorless font, found on the very bottom of the back of the box:
“Don’t eat too much junk food or you will get sick like Pete.”
Try to imagine what the assembly line workers in China must be thinking when American board game companies place a billion game order for cute but obese caricatures whose primary goal in life is to overeat and physically relief themselves in entertaining, competitive ways. Well, if those skinny Chinese are going to go out of their way to mass-produce them, then I guess it’s totally up to me to purchase a few of them as holiday gifts.
Yes, those mesmerizing commercials worked me over perfectly. I just had to go shopping that same afternoon and snatch them of the shelf before someone else bought the last one. Toys-R-Us was happy to reduce their game inventory and take away my $73. 06.
Now that I’ve impulse purchased these sweet packages of disgust, I’m faced with the final, most important question: Who do I dump them on? Sorry, I mean, who do I sincerely gift them to? Only one person that I know who will enjoy getting these three subliminal message games for Christmas. And that lucky individual is —– ME! Wrap them up pretty. Hide them under the Christmas tree. And I’ll remember to act surprised and gushy thankful when I reluctantly lay down my chocolate covered peppermint candy cane and rush to open them up. If anyone asks why I’m smiling so strangely, I’ll say, “They’re to me from Lee! Let’s play all three!”
——————————————————————————————-
Each “98.5 laps” blog entry also features
wellness success stories and key resources
located throughout Waukesha County and southeast Wisconsin:
* * *
Gold’s Gym – Waukesha, WI
831 W. Moreland Blvd
Waukesha , WI 53188
Contact Info
Phone:262-524-9042
Fax: 262-524-9166
E-mail:mfine@goldsgymwaukesha.com
Web:www.goldsgym.com/waukeshawi
Gym Hours
Club Hours
Mon-Thurs
4:30am-11pm
Fri
4:30am-10pm
Sat-Sun
7am-7pm
Kids Club
Mon-Fri
8am-12pm; 4:00-8pm
Sat
8am-12pm
Sun
8:30am-12:30pm
Posted by Lee Patzer on November 8, 2011 at 8:15 am
Still looking for the ultimate game where the main game character has the awesome powers to display not one, not two but all three repulsive reactions from overeating and the giddy game players never know which gross groan is coming next and be sure to sprint for the fallout shelter if all three are launched at the same time!!!!!