Did I Cause Hostess Brands To Declare Bankruptcy?

Dear Hostess Brands,

I sincerely apologize.  I heard about your recent bankruptcy declaration.  How sad.  I didn’t mean to cause you that much harm.  But I can see that I may have mortally wounded your business plan.  Your bean counters were surely counting on me to continue eating volumes of your famous beans.

Your TWINKIES.  Your SNO BALLS.  Your HOHOS.  Your DONETTES.  Your CUP CAKES.  Your SUZY Q’S.  Your MINI MUFFINS.  Your ZINGERS.  Your FRUIT PIES.  Your DING DONGS.

It’s your DING DONGS that I miss the most.  When I chose to stop snacking on Hostess Brands products to help reduce some unnecessary calorie intake, it was the absence of the magical DING DONGS in my miserable dieting life that made me weep in my deep sleep.  I’ll never forget that naughty night I decided to eat a whole box of DING DONGS in one sitting.  With a fresh gallon of cold skim milk as a witness, I carefully devoured one dozen individually wrapped beauties.  I was cream filled chocolate cake coated inside and out from twitching eyebrows to swollen ankles.  Ecstasy.  368 calories and 19.4 grams of fat per DING DONG.  That’s 4,416 calories and 232.8 grams of fat per box of DING DONGS.  That’s disgusting.  But so delicious, that the slightest recall of that gorge-a-thon has me drooling puddles of tinsel foil wrapping.

Those grinning bean counters were probably counting on me to be slamming down boxes of DING DONGS at a consistent rate.  But instead, imagine what happens when a whole bunch of baby boomers (like me) suffer a health attack and suddenly decide to stop shopping for Hostess Brands sweets for pleasuring themselves and their kids.  Disbelief!  Panic!  Bankruptcy!  Fired bean counters!

I can hear smirking wellness practitioners everywhere saying, “Class, time for a pop quiz. Open your nutritional textbooks to Chapter 11.”